Lately I've been avoiding my own blog - weird, right? For quite a few months, say November through till February, I really felt like I was making some progress. I was making better choices, I was letting go of the crap I tend to hold to and I was really evaluating the things that made me happy and chucking the ones that didn't. And then, for some reason I am still unable to fully put my finger on, it all went downhill.
The best way to describe my random descension is to remember what it was like to try to go down a slide on the playground - when you were wearing shorts, it was super hot, and you stuck to the slide about every foot. You'd be moving - so excited to be moving - and then all of the sudden you're totally irritated by the fact that you aren't. You use your arms to force yourself forward. You move. You stop again. That's totally where I'm at.
I've fallen back in to my "checklist" trap. I keep evaluating my current predicament and saying to myself, "What can I change? What am I doing wrong? What thing about me can I change that would give me that joy back?" I push myself another few inches only to stop short again.
I thought choosing to practice my yoga every day for lent would be a good start - it would show my commitment to my new faith, and it would give me that post-flow high every day, bringing me back to center and reminding me of all of the amazing changes my body and mind are going through. What actually has happened is that now getting on the mat is a chore every day. And when I am on the mat, or in class, I'm not relaxed, I'm not accepting the postures and I am surely not accepting myself in them. I've regressed people - and I don't like it.
It's odd, but I kind of think part of my fall has been how much my social life has picked up. Don't get me wrong - I LOVE my friends. I love our chats, dinner, drinks and fun - heck, I need that part of my life to stay sane. But, I have quite a few different groups of friends and by the time I get everyone on the calendar, my calendar is a disaster. It seems like every night of the week I either have a yoga class or a "date" of some sort and I am not getting any "me" time. So, I'm going to attempt a pseudo-social hiatus. I won't say no to invitations, but I'm not going to seek out more to do in April. I'm hoping that a few nights at home, maybe a trip back into Season Four of Dawson's Creek where I left off, and some chill time will get my head back to rights.
Got to fight the good fight after all.